Trust me, i could do it. i’ve tried 4 times to overdose… but my parents always find me and take me to the hospital. It’s to bad i can’t be dead, i wish i was. somedays…. but not today. i love you mom, i love you daniel larsen, i love you grandma barb, i love you grandpa kenny, i love you tiffany, i love you racheal, i love you lisa and tony, i ove you lisa krok, i ove you sam, i love you.
It’s funny how I’m completely insane, and somehow no one knows.
My boyfriend has to deal with all of this, i’m sorry. And i understand why you might think we won’t last. i’m sorry i’m always depressed, i just have no control anymore.
I find it secretly hilarious that I am slowly turning into my sister. I smoke the same cigarettes as her, and i dress lie she did. I strached my ears just lie her, peirced my septum and tragus for her, and i’m planning on getting the same bow tatto as her as soon as possible. i also only save my money for drugs, cigarettes, and coffee. I’ve also gotten my eatting disoder back… I’m bulimic and anorexic… I fear that my boyfriend is going to leave me because of what I’m turning into… i’m sorry for all the stupid shit I do. But i enjoy it… i know I shoudn’t but I do. I’m done with rehab, I’m not going back, I’m just going to be a fuck up for the rest of my life, like I have been since 8th grade. A whole year of drugs, parties, and emotional pain.
I adsouely hate the fact that my boyfriend uses sexist jokes. I’m sorry but that does not make you cool, at all. I’ve talked to him about it before, and he’s only sipped up twice in the past three months, but atleast he knows not to say them around me for the most part. I mean i’m really not trying to change him, but it just makes me feel bad when he says something like “i’m the man, so I know more” when that is not true at all, because we both have knowledge about various things, and I could know more about something than he does. And vise versa. other than that, he’s actully really funny, and I’m glad he has a lock on the sexist jokes around me.
I would also like to say, for the record… he makes better food than I could ever, and he’s usally in the kitchen. so… yeah, that’s all I have to say.
The fisrt time we kissed…
We weren’t even dating yet, but we liked to drive around town together listening to our favorite songs. As we were driving we pulled up to the industrial part of town. There we sat in a parking lot, talking to fill the air and our heads. That’s when he asked me for my feet, he started talking off my shoes, lace by lace. And then threw them in the back of his mom’s car. I just kinda forgot about the shoes and kept the conversation going. but within the next 3 minutes, my feet were getting cold and I wanted my shoes. So I got up from my seat in and looked in the back and i felt him looking at me, so i turned my head as i closed my eyes… and we kissed. I felt the sparks right then and there, I knew I had a crush on him, I knew he was what I had been searching for years. Trying to find someone as perfect as him is almost impossible, I love him and now we’ve been going out for three months. <3
My boyfriend of three months (2.10.13) asked me to go to prom with him using magic the gathering cards. I said yes to him, of course. Now I have to go dress shopping, but I have no idea what girls wear to prom, can I just wear a tux? hahaha, do i wear a princess dress or a slim long dress? Do I wear flats, or heels… do i want to be tall or short, or confortable or in pain? . _ . so many choices… and what color will my dress be … oh my god D:
In front of alexican brothers mental health hospital… I’ve been her for two weeks now. :P
It’s funny how fast i connected this to my rehab experience. The girl on the far left has trouble with her body image and starves herself, and fakes a smile to make sure no one notices. The other girl on the left with eh yellow dress, has schizophrenia… and so do all the people in her mind. The one on the right in the green has social dependency, she drains the energy of everyone else to feel better about herself.
And me, I’d be the one on the far left, Just trying to get threw it so I can finally get back to my life, and leave… FUCK all the depression, I’m going to get high. <3 ((( f.a.t.d. + drugs = Happy destiny )))
May 8th, 2012
Today, I told My Boyfriend about some of my problems… and now I’m worried to lose him. I showed him my cuts, I’ve showed him my scares.. my bruises, and my pain. He still has no idea what I’ve been threw, but he’s trying really hard to get me threw all of this suffering. He doesn’t just use me for sex, or to feel like someone loves him for no reason. He likes me and is only worried about me. And Personally, I’m scared to let him know anymore about me, because what if he leaves, like the others did?
Problems are problems, even if no one notices. <3
Thanks for saving me from myself.
Before it was to late.
Love and Rainbows,
Dear Fabian O.,
You’re one of my support people, and One of my Best Friends. This Quote reminded me to keep going threw with my out-patient treatment over the weekends. I’m glad we have a common subject to always talk about… *cough cough* (DOCTOR WHO) *cough* haha… no matter my mood you can always make it 200% better. Thanks for always listening, and helping me threw my recovery. I love you Fabian♥.
Love and Rainbows,